When life gives you a broken Barbara Streisand duets CD....

Back in 2005, I had been at my job 6 months by the time Christmas rolled around.  I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little program evaluator.  For Christmas, I made cookies and put them in little Chinese take-out boxes for everybody in our division.  Imagine my perplexion [word?] when the following occurred.

Upon handing the little take-out box to our administrative assistant (whom I thought liked me), she said - "Oh I got you something too."  She kind of looked around, then opened a drawer.  She took out an unwrapped item and handed it to me.  "I got this for you.  Sorry, it looked so good I had to listen to it before I gave it to you."  "Oh thanks" I murmured and scampered off.

It was open.    The case was broken.    It was this:

It was clearly not new.  It was clearly not bought for me.  It was clearly not a Christmas gift.

It was one of the strangest things that had happened to me by that point in my life.  And I had done and seen some stuff.... especially in the Peace Corps.

Well, the feeling I had that day was kind of like I've been feeling lately.  Like, innocence lost.  Here are some lessons on what life is really like, kid.  I go on my little naive way, la-dee-da, and then somebody or something rears its head and says "Oh you think the world is good and you want all these nice things and for people to get along - well, eff you!"

I hated the feeling I had that day.  It's a feeling I can't name.... like, being left out of the loop.  I felt like there are unspoken rules and peccadilloes that just elude me.  My brain just doesn't process them or know how to react.  Like, if I know somebody is being fake-nice, or doing things just to be polite not nice, I feel kind of paralyzed to respond.  I don't know what to do.  When do you all people out?  When do you let it get to you?  When do you let go?

I still don't know why she gave me that gift or what it meant.  Did she secretly hate me?  Was I the butt of some joke?  Did she think there was a gold watch in that take-out box instead of 5 cookies?  Would any excuse warrant giving somebody a broken duets CD?

I just know it made me feel crappy.  I never talked to her about it.  I just had a good laugh(cry) about it with a friend.

Plus it really hurt my feelings that people think I like Barry Gibb when I really just liked a few of the Bee Gees songs because really, that was the strongest moment for any of the Gibb brothers.  I mean, doesn't anybody really know me at all, geeze??!

So...  dear reader....  when life gives you a broken Barbara Streisand and Barry Gibb duet album, how do you make Streisand-and-Gibb-ade?  Do you insist that the music is sweet sweet sweet, when it was possibly given to you in malice, cynicism, or crazed delusion?  Do you say to the gifter, hey, this sucks, what gives?

Or do you (like I did) give the crappy CD to your parents, try to forget it happened, and move on about your business?

This post is vague on purpose.  Just been dealing with a number of disappointments in recent times on a number of levels.  Trying to hear the sweet music despite the brokenness....

In Defense of Government Workers

I've worked for government organizations or agencies for.... hmmmm.... over 10 years.  Wow.  I never knew government employment had a bad rep, until I worked for a state agency.  After all, my dad was a career Air Force officer.  He was a government employee, right?  My mom was a teacher - a government employee, right?  I had never heard anybody talk disparagingly about their jobs or their employers.  Why was it that, now that I was a state employee, I was suddenly part of a culture that believed the general public thought poorly of them.
     Government workers are known by a myriad of names.  State officials.  Public employees.  State workers.  Civil servants.  All of these names seem to have gotten a bad rap, the face of bureaucracy, of government waste, of laziness and ineffectiveness.  I have to say, for the most part, my impression of government employees has been quite the opposite.
     I like to think of government workers of what they actually are:  teachers, health professionals, bridge builders, city developers, engineers, computer programmers, police and fire safety personnel, nurses, doctors, data analysts, child protective workers, educators, social workers, judges, lawyers, grant managers, and - yes - policy makers.  The government workers I know are smart, hard-working, dedicated people who do the job they've been given with heart.  They do it because they are part of a system that, at the end of the road, is meant to make peoples' lives better.  What's more, they are incredibly - sometimes painfully, acutely - aware of the fact that they are spending taxpayer money and go to great lengths to ensure financial accountability and fiscal responsibility.  I've never seen anybody purchase a $400 hammer.  I HAVE seen government employees who make less money than they should, refuse to submit reimbursement for their travel expenses because they didn't see it as a big deal.
     I'm not saying the system is perfect.  In fact, it is far from perfect - like any system is, simply because people are involved and people are imperfect.  Layers of bureaucracy can create gridlock.  I've seen this happen but despite the frustration of that, at the heart of it is people wanting to do the right thing.... unless they are intentionally trying to cause gridlock.  That's another issue....  of the tea party variety.
      What I'm trying to say is next time you go to the library, or interact with a state-funded university, or go to a health department, or read about a police officer injured on the job, or drive on a road or bridge or highway, or use 211 or 411 or 911, or enjoy some relief after a disaster, or thank our men and women in uniform, there was a government worker doing his or her job.  With heart and for the greater good.... not to create unnecessary bureaucracy, but in spite of it.

Do I look frazzled yet? {A morning recap.}

Hang on to your hats.  I'm about to share what my morning was like.

The only out-of-the-ordinary I expected was dropping off the dogs at the groomer.  Oh boy.... was I wrong.

First, we all got ready and out the door yay!  Dogs and kids in the car.  Took the kids to school.  Nothing seemed awry.  Yay!  Off to the groomers...  dropped the dogs off.  Cool as a cucumber.  Then, I thought, I'm close to Walgreens - I'll step in to see if my reprints are done.  Well, no such luck.  {I had gotten reprints because the first batch were stuck together.  Looks like I forgot to submit my order on the free reprint!  DOH!  Did it in store. But that meant a 3rd trip to Walgreens later.  Oh well...}  Off to work!

I got to work 5 minutes before staff meeting.  Time to spare and check my email and voice mail!  Uh oh.  I have SIX VOICE MAILS from daycare and hubby all trying to tell me that baby Roy has a 100 degree temperature.  Hmmm.  Does that mean I have to go get him?  What's going on?  Must go to staff meeting.

Get text from husband that he's going to get baby.  I step out to call him - and tell him no I can get the baby; I know he's sitting in on important interviews today.  So it's settled.  I have to go get baby.

But first - I do my report in staff meeting.  Then at a good time, make a graceful exit.

[cute musical notes]  On the road again!  Drive to pick up baby.  His teacher tells me that it just hit !!??102.2?!?.  I'm feeling like horrible mom because he didn't even seem hot less than 2 hours ago when I dropped him off.  She says it elevated really quickly.  To me that means - trip to the doctor!

Call the doctor.  Take the next appointment at 10:45.  Go there, do that, poor baby has to get his finger pricked twice and doesn't cry at all!  We have to come back tomorrow to check again if he may have an infection but so far, all signs point to virus. 
On the way home, the groomer calls.  Dogs are ready!  We swing up by the groomer, throw the dogs in.  Hey wait - there's Walgreens again - wonder if my pictures are ready?  Baby's asleep.  I call and yes - they are - and waiting for me right up front!  I pull up in front, don't care what other customers are saying about me, grab the pics and head home.


And that, folks, is how a perfectly good working mom routine gets even better.  I get to spend the day with my boy.

This Mom's Weight Loss Tips

Let me just say, I don't diet.  As in, I don't buy diet books or subscribe to fads.  I try to be intentional about getting back to a 'happy weight' for me (last seen two babies ago), but the path to no-weight-loss-land is paved with good intentions.  And I'm not even sure how much I weigh.


All that said, I've lost weight recently!  Somebody commented at a work event last week that I looked thinner.  And you know what - she was right!  I can fit into pants that, several months ago, were too tight!  So for you burning inquiring minds out there, here are my weight loss tips - most suitable for people who want to lose weight but don't really want to try.


1) Eat half of what's on your plate.  There are two ways do to this;  fill your plate, knife down the middle, and pretend one half isn't there.  Save it for later.  (This is a great strategy for restaurants.)  The second way is to have a ravenous toddler sit on your lap and he will eat the other half for you.


2) Cut out one thing you can live without.  For me, it was either wine or creamer.  A doctor I work with has a motto - "Life's too short for boring creamer" so I cut out the wine.  200 calories a day gone.


3) If kids steal food off my plate, I don't refill it.


4) Eat the frog first.  This is a good strategy in life in general.  Do the thing you hate (but have to do) first.  Eat the veggies and fruit first.  Now if I can only reach my goal of having fresh fruit or veg at every meal....


5) Rule:  The family eats together, sitting down, at the dinner table.  Gone are the days of feeding the kids first, then eating pepperoni and wine over the sink.


6) NO SODAS are allowed in my house.  Unless my parents come, then they can bring their Diet Dr. Pepper. Also NO SODAS are allowed in my kids' mouths.  They've tasted it and don't like it.  Sodas are treats for adults.


7) I don't buy anything with added corn syrup or added sugar.  At least, not intentionally.  Sometimes it's hard to tell from the labels on things... but I read labels and make decisions accordingly.


8) All juice in our house has less than 28 g of sugar, with no corn syrup (see above).  It also gets diluted with water.


9) Make one healthier choice a day.  If I have a choice, and I want to choose something unhealthy, at least once a day I will make a healthier choice.  Example:  I want to eat the whole bag of dark chocolate m&ms... but I make a healthier choice and only eat a hand full, saving the rest for tomorrow.


10)   Don't stress about it!  Sometimes we relax the rules and have donuts two days in a row, and most days  if you make my 4-year-old eat a vegetable she will literally throw up.  I don't want that to be her memory of food and toddlerhood.  When it comes down to it, we are lucky to live in a country with plentiful food.  95% of the time, we make a concerted effort to ensure the food we eat is the right quantity and right quality.  That's about as good as it gets.


Did any of these 'strategies' lead to my recent weight loss?  I'm not sure but something seems to be working!  Woo hoo!

Working With Style: Wrapped in Red

 I don't feel very stylish today but I like what I'm wearing! White cami and red gauzy 3/4 sleeve wrap were given to me by my mom. The wide, elastic black belt makes me feel brave! It is from Target and actually has sequins on it which don't show up in the picture well. I made the bracelet and the necklace. (What you cannot see: boring black pants and shoes.) Overall, a red letter day! See more moms Working With Style here. 

13 Working Mom Shortcuts I can’t live without

1. Wash-and-go $13 haircut from cheap haircut place (buy ten get one free too!)
   
2. The 30-minute laundry wash cycle
3. Online banking and bill pay (does Anybody balance checkbooks any more?)
   
4. Planned leftovers (better the second go-round!)
   
5. Juiceboxes, gogurt, bananas and cereal bars
6. My Nook - especially Free Fridays!
7. Online library services - Did you know you can 'order' up to 25 books online and they'll notify you when they're ready for pickup?L ove the Chesterfield County library!
   
8. The daycare bag (though often forgotten) - For all the art, notices and show-and-tell items so I can manage to hold everything out the door.
   
9. Saved passwords in drafts - Maybe the best idea I ever had. All important online passwords I saved in 'draft email' form... so I can access anywhere even on my....
   
10. Smart phone. I heart it. I may buy it a valentine's gift.
    
11. A Google calendar for each of us, plus a family one, all merged with my work calendar. Sync, sync and sync!
    
12. Hummus and pureed pumpkin. Shhh... they'll never know there's healthy stuff on the grilled cheese or in the spaghetti sauce!
13. The Wii. OK I'm not sure if I can live without it yet or not, but it's my new workout tool.
    

Working With Style

OK.  I am not wild about this picture, but I've been wanting to link up with the Liberating Working Moms Working with Style series / blog hop for a while now.  So here it is!  I love this outfit.  Regardless of how I think it looks in the picture, I feel good in it.  It makes me feel like "myself."  There's something about jeans or tights+boots that just put me in a good mood and good frame of mind.  But there's something about taking a picture of yourself in your office using the auto-timer on your camera that just makes you feel very weird not unlike the feeling of confessing you've done something naughty.  Perhaps Santa will knock me down on his list for this.  But if he hasn't, if you're reading dear Santa, bring me more of these skirts!  And tights!  And boots!  For they make me happy.  Despite feeling a little be-frazzled in the morning, lucky to have gotten a shower, having given up on taming my crazy hair long long ago, an outfit you feel good in is priceless.

Shirt:  Teal; Gift from my in-laws for Christmas last year, by Jeanne Pierre.

Skirt:  Fawn; Stretch pencil skirt by New York & Co (a favorite!)

Tights:  Purple; Kohl's

Boots:  Brown; JC Penney (though I'm currently boycotting them; see previous post).

Pulling the Santa Card

Picture of me, taken by Ivy - Summer 2011

It is official.  Threes are more terrible than the two's.  I love her dearly but Big Sister has taken an interesting turn lately.  It all started with a bad report at school.  She had scratched another little girl and gotten time out.  Time out?  My child?  We had just had Parent's Night where her teacher raved that she never has any problems with our angel!  Perhaps my daughter had her super radar far-away hearing aid on that night and heard it....  and decided "I'll show them!"  Her first time out was the next day.

Then the next day, she got sent to (wait for it...) the director's office.  Her little yellow behavior school bus went from green to yellow to RED!!  The details are foggy now...  it involved scratching several times, and laughing when she had to sit in time out.  Today was the fourth day we've gotten such a report.  No more trips to the principal's office, but time out nearly every day!  What is going on?? 

We've made her apologize to the teacher each time (again), and she's grounded from the iPhone and special things like watching movies and playing on the computer.  She doesn't seem to care.  We talk about it (maybe too much), she says she doesn't know why, and gets upset and looks like my precious tears-streaming-down-her-baby-face angel.  (Her teacher says it's because she wants whatever they have and gets mad when they won't bend to her will).

I am reminded of a line from Tangled.  "I can't help but notice you seem to be at war with yourself." 

While it's maddening that nothing we do or say seems to have an impact, it does seem like she's having an internal struggle too.  Trying to figure out right and wrong, what to do with some feelings she has - like when she wants something but can't have it, how to resolve that.  It's tough to be on the parenting end of this because you need to accomplish all of the following:  discipline your child, help her understand and resolve her feelings about things, figure out how to help her behave when mom and dad aren't around - and protect her current and future victims.  As if she'd listen to us.  Hah.

Tonight I pulled the Santa card.  "He's always watching you, and he only wants to give toys to children who are nice to their friends- not little girls who scratch their friends."  (Oh yes I did that, and I cringe now.... I don't want her thinking she's a bad girl.)  But she's too smart, she's not buying it.  "He can't see me from far away."  Ever the realist, I played the Santa card and it fell flat.  Got any ideas?

Don’t put me in a box. Ever.

I have had TOO MANY interactions lately with people who seem to think that American values are going in the toilet, and part of the ‘fix’ would be returning to the ‘good old days’ when all women stayed home with their kids all day and built community through volunteering and charity work.  This is an extension or part of the ‘let’s stop supporting and funding birth control’ conversation.  Forgive me while I roll my eyes and puke and gag all at the same time.

What is happening here?  What it is ain’t exactly clear.

Is this - as suggested by a very smart friend of mine - a symptom of the current trend of glorifying the 50's and 60's in TV shows such as Pan-Am (career choice for women = stewardess and only if you were ‘attractive’), Mad Men (career choice = secretary, coffee getter and object of butt pinches), and Big Love (no career choice, many sister-wives living in submissive harmony)??  Or perhaps people are starting to again believe women are stupid – from shows like Two and a Half men and Jersey Shore.  Or perhaps the rise of pandering on behalf of certain sneaky trojan horse type people under the guise of rising political parties who have strong opinions about ‘a woman’s place' and gaining traction that way. 

Who knows.  I honestly haven't watched many of these shows so need to put that on my 'to do list' to see if that is indeed a contributing factor.  But I hear too much screen time rots your brain.  Plus need I remind you – I have two youngsters, ONE husband, 3 dogs and a full time job. 

The truth of the matter is those ‘glory days’ sucked for women big time and I have no interest in returning there.  What woman in her right mind would want to???  

The other truth of the matter – on a personal note - is I don’t want to stay home with my kids all day. 

My parents worked hard to put me through college.  I worked hard to pay for and earn two master’s degrees.  I have an impressive 12-year resume in a field of work that I absolutely love (toot tooting my own horn).  It fits me like a glove.  I am so much better at doing my day job than everything I know I would try to do at home: do daily educational and art lessons, provide 3 healthy meals and snacks, coordinate sleep schedules, ensure socialization with other children, make sure they spent time outside.  I know I would not be good at that.  I would be depressed.  I would wind up doing volunteer and community work, figuring out how to take my children with me to city council meetings, trying to arrange daycare I couldn’t afford.  I call all of that work and I might as well get paid for it! 

Do NOT mistake this for not loving my children. They are first in my heart and mind ALWAYS.

Do NOT mistake this for disrespecting or thinking less of women who choose to work at home, taking care of the house and everyone in it.   (See above.  They probably do more work than I do daily.)

Do NOT mistake this for an opinion about how others should live their lives. It is what's best for me and our family.  My husband knew this about me from the start and supports me in every way.

The beauty of the world today is women have  more choices.  Not as many as we should, and they’re not available to all women equally across socioeconomic classes, and the jury's still out as to whether we can truly 'have it all.'  But the *availability of choices* -- THAT is where the cultural shift needs to happen. 

Women don’t need to change.  Don't take away my choices.  Don’t take away my birth control.  Don’t force every one of the eggs in my ovaries to become a baby.  Don’t put me in a stay-at-home box or a working-woman box.  Don’t put me in a box at all.  Ever.  Don’t try to change women or moms to fit the current messed up socioeconomic, health care, daycare, employment, good-old-boy, (etc.)  systems. 

Change the Systems to fit us.  All of us.